Hello
Welcome to my show
Im glad that you could come
Were gonna have a hoot
Were gonna have some fun
Sit back
Put your feet up and relax
I hope youve had a drink or three
The more youve drunk
The better I will be
And if you have a mobile phone
Please turn it off
Thank you
And if you have Tourettes syndrome
Just do whatever it is you people do
And if you are offended by strong language or blasphemy
Maybe you should chuff off home
Cos its only gonna get worse
Only gonna get worse
Only gonna get worse
From now on
Jesus Nipple
My name is Tim
I write funny songs and sing
And if you dont think funny songs are funny
Well I respect your right
To think exactly what you like
But youre sure as shit not getting back your money
And if you write for a newspaper Id just like to say
That I read your publication every single day
And I agree with absolutely everything you say
I think youre the most perspicacious and delightful,
Eloquent, insightful writer
Writing on the subject of the arts
But if you write a bad review
I promise you Ill come round to your house
And lay turds in all your potted indoor plants
Ill lay turds!
In all your plants!
Your indoor plants!
Your potted indoor plants!
Hello
Welcome to my show
Im glad you all could come
Its time for a little audience participation
Sing, yeah
Sing, yeah
Sing, ooo yeah
Sing, I am an audience member
Why are you making me sing
You self indulgent wanker
Just get on with the fucking show